I am confused.
Here was the situation that led me to this feeling:
Earlier in the morning, G and I discussed filling up the bird feeders. We both love birds and bird watching and it’s springtime so we want to get a jump start on bringing birds to our home.
While I was outside laying on the deck, breathing after my movement series, I saw G gathering the bird feeders from around the property. I got excited because this meant we were going to fill them up.
He came onto the deck and started filling them up. I noticed there weren’t any meal worms in the mix.
“Wait,” I said. “You gotta put the mealworms in.”
He sighed, rolled his eyes, and went into the house as I called after him, “I can do it then!”
He came back out and I asked him what happened. He said he was frustrated and annoyed that he was just trying to get this done and I was criticizing him.
I got angry that he keeps jumping to this conclusion and blaming me when I am in fact not criticizing. So I left to take a shower because I can’t control anything but myself and a shift in my environment can help diffuse my anger.
During the shower, he came up and apologized to me. I said, “okay.” which is clearly not really an acceptance of his apology.
Here is the problem:
I am ultimately feeling left out because he’s doing an activity that we discussed doing together without me and I feel belittled because now this potential connection moment is merely a chore to be done solo.
I also don’t feel any better when he apologizes. I don’t want his apology. I want the action to stop. Logically, this doesn’t make any sense because he can’t just resolve a behavior he has had for a long time. He can’t instantly input a new skill without practice. Regardless of this knowledge, my heart does not want his apology. It only wants the action to not happen the next time it could happen.
Here is my question:
How can I help my heart recognize the baby steps he is accomplishing that leads to a potential future where the action is different? Am I even asking the right or big enough question to figure this out?
Here is my refined question:
How can I shift my emotional response to recognize progress rather than getting stuck in frustration over repeated behavior?
This seems like tension between logic and emotion—my mind understands that change is a process, but my heart wants the outcome now.
Here are my deeper questions:
1. What is My Deepest Need Here?
My frustration isn’t about the specific moment, but the repeated experience of being misunderstood or feeling like my intention has been misinterpreted.
- I want G to stop assuming that I’m criticizing him
- I want to feel like my excitement, which is input, is received with openness instead of defensiveness
- I want to feel more aligned with G rather than at odds, especially over trivial moments
I don’t want moments of potential connection to feel like moments of conflict.
2. Reframing Apology vs. Acknowledgment
It’s possible that I don’t want the apology because it feels like a band-aid instead of a real fix. What if I reframed apologies not as the end of the process, but as a signpost that growth is happening?
Instead of “Okay” (which keeps me in frustration), I might try:
- “I hear your apology. What would really help me is…” (inviting him to recognize what I need)
- “I get that this is a pattern, and I appreciate that you’re trying.” (reinforcing effort without invalidating my frustration)
3. Tracking Small Wins in a Way That Resonates With Me
If my heart isn’t naturally recognizing progress, could I actively track it in some way?
- A journal where I note the moments he reacts differently than he used to.
- A quick mental recap of “Did today go better than last time?”
- A moment of appreciation when he doesn’t react defensively (even if it’s tiny).
The goal here isn’t to dismiss my emotions but to retrain my brain to see progress alongside the frustration.
4. Expanding the Question
Maybe the bigger question is: “How do I let myself feel more at ease in the process of someone else’s growth?”
-OR-
“How can I communicate my needs in a way that invites alignment rather than resistance?”
Unintentionally continued here… probably because lessons like to come in obvious waves.
