I need to fix it because I am uncomfortable.
The words that I don’t want to admit, but are truth. When someone else is feeling something and I want to fix their problem, fix them, fix the situation, fix everything, it’s because something about their feelings are making me uncomfortable.
As an example, it used to be someone crying. I would instantly want to make them STOP crying and if I couldn’t, I would become awkward and move away from the tears, distancing myself from that person as if the water would kill me. While I still don’t entirely know what that means, I do know that I cry, but I don’t cry easily–there’s something physical in my facial muscles that will literally attempt to stop the tears. Tension, tightness, all over, through my jaw, into my sinuses, squeezing my eyes, attempting to distort vision in such a way that tears will physically not come. Even though there’s so much pain in my body when this happens, built up and wanting to outpour, I’ll suppress and then move on, leaving the feeling buried deep.
I think my forty-year old body is a reservoir of unshed tears, unspoken pains, immense sadness bubbling, but never boiling over in a healthy way. I need to release and express and ultimately let go. I can feel in my bones that I have wanted this freedom since I was a child, but never had a safe space to put it. Now that I am defaulted to stopping the expression, how do I move to releasing it?
