A few days ago I met with someone who can translate energy. Not entirely sure what to call her, but that feels right enough for the purpose of this post.
She immediately asked if she could tell me what she was seeing when we got on Facetime. “Your heart chakra is radiating… it’s this big bright sun, gold and white. I can feel your unconditional love for all and everything!”
I instantly cried.
“You are a girl connected to the flowers. And the trees. I can see you walking in a meadow, side by side, holding hands with your twin… you’re the same height. It’s your best friend, lover? You’re young, possibly brothers. You’re a girl in this form and he’s a boy, there’s this intense sameness, laughing, loving, innocence. This soul you’re with, you’ve been in contract a long time. You’ve been intwined for a long time. I think you two were searching for one another from your last breaths. Something tragic happened to him before, maybe he was sick and died, and you were left without him for a long time. Your seeking is your remembering. You are children. Playing and exploring. A treehouse, adventures, connected energies. He is your priority, everything else is just happening around you.”
I cried harder with this deep sense of now understanding all the past feelings of knowing I had found? Will find? Am in? (who knows, time is relative) an epic love with G. I was meant to find him, but not the him from our first meet. The him in this moment. I had been searching for him in everyone I ever met. Hoping to unlock the soul that would give me a sense of sameness so we could pick up where we left off–being children and exploring this world together.
“What about your social life? Work life? What’s up there?”
I said very little. I mentioned I felt like a chameleon in high school, not belonging anywhere, but fitting in anywhere. Now, I find most of my connections through G; I don’t feel a strong pull to socialize outside of our family.
“You can move easily between groups, yes, socializing, friends, all worthwhile to have and you probably need a little bit, but that isn’t your priority.”
My shaman spoke to her in this moment. A man. A small dog, a hummingbird, a comedian, a man who’s been with me for eternities. Some being who has guided me and nurtured me along the way. He wants me to know things. He has so much to say.
I said that with work, I am surrounded by women. It’s new and scary, but also really sad. I am often consumed by the deep feeling of sadness when women lack confidence and don’t feel like they know themselves. I want to use my power for good by showing them their power.
“Hmm. You have some purpose there, sure. You’ll empower many people, but it isn’t your priority.”
I mentioned my current conflict between femininity and masculinity. How I have been having vivid dreams of being a warrior and a predator. Killing. Violence. Death. Massacre. Hardship. Pain. Suffering.
My shaman appeared to her in this moment, visually.
“He is a native man, hunter? Loin cloth. No, not cloth, fur… very important distinction, he’s older. There’s a clan behind him. He carries a stick, a staff, a spear, a walking stick? Twine shoes. Can we say twine? Yes, twine sandals is fine.”
My shaman is funny and particular. I love this. He makes me laugh.
“He wants to know if in your dreams, you are the predator or the prey.”
I tell him I’m the predator without hesitation. A wolf. A soldier. Death death death. Destruction and death. Without hesitation, but not without immense sadness. This dance of death is painful.
“Yes, you have been the grim reaper, but you cannot kill energy, only shift its shape.”
“You need to release the negative feelings associated with being a predator. There is no badness. We do what we need to do for our loved ones. You did what you needed to do for your loved ones. We kill lions to keep the children in our village safe. To feed our people. To use the fur for our warmth and shelter. We did not waste. That power was not evil. Its intent was good, that is what matters most. We are all often grim reapers. You are not alone.”
I need to release the feeling of guilt about having killed things along the way. What is my fear? It is not of facing the unknown, it is hurting someone. My journey has been fighting the inner conflict between how to use my power. Is it good power or evil power? The evil keeps trying to tempt me and I have given in before. A death by a thousand cuts until I reach the bowels of suffering and I rise back up attempting to lead with love and not misuse my power. Can I be both? Can I be both grim reaper and creator? Yes. YES. I am here to shine light, there is no good, there is no bad, only there is.
“You might love the animal totem medicine concept for guidance.”
Yes, I love my animal spirit cards. They are bright beacons of wisdom.
“Speak with your shaman, look for his cues. You are ready to receive and he is ready to give. Your head chakra just exploded with blue and violet. Your throat chakra feels a little left out and wants to join the party. Is there something you are not speaking?”
I told her of my throat acne. How bizarre it felt to be back to my teenage years as I turn forty. This merge of timelines is feeling more natural despite my total confusion with it. A time that was then is also now.
“Where were you told your truth wasn’t truthful?”
Jesus. I cry out about being confronted in the back seat of a car by my parents in the front. They were convinced I was having sex with my boyfriend. I attempted to tell them the truth: we were not. They did not believe me. Of course, I immediately went out and had sex to prove them right. The result of this devastating act created horrific ripples in my relationship with him. He told me I had raped him that he had never wanted to give himself. I have always thought of that moment as ridiculous. Of course he wanted it. I know now he only wanted it physically, but I had led with my own pain and opened up our future sexuality with that pain. It was not him who had wronged me. I had wronged him. I need to return to that time and honor the love we had before I made our space unsafe and I need to apologize for my hand in the game–I need to let it go.
“You can speak your truth and you will not get in trouble.”
Easier said than done, but let’s try this because we’re here now and there’s no point in turning back. Lean in and let’s see what unfolds.
Thank you, A. The next piece of this is what I did with all the wisdom she translated for me.
Continued in Energy (Part 2)…
