I woke up with a sense that I should meditate. I chose against it.
It was lingering throughout my entire morning. I ignored it.
I engaged in conflict with my husband, asking that he not blame, not judge, not tell me what I’m feeling, and not tell me what to do.
Surprise. I was actually speaking to myself. That conflict was in fact an internal conflict I was playing out with myself, but because that’s too uncomfortable, I was projecting it onto my husband.
I only know this now because after the conflict was over and we apologized, I got into the jacuzzi and fulfilled the calling to meditate. Per usual, it unlocked all the answers.
The external thoughts came and went until I settled into the internal thoughts that came and went until I opened the portal to my intuition. We moved together in a dance to unravel the chaos and found the core of my conflict. I resisted and I released. I pushed and I pulled. In that fluidity of listening to my body act out the story, I heard the answer: I don’t fully trust myself. I don’t fully surrender to myself. When I do, I’m peaceful. When I don’t, I am less powerful because I am allowing my concern with the shadow side of power to rise up. I want to control. I want to fix. I want to be right.
I could feel the energy generate. My hands and fingers felt heavy and light, they tingled and felt separated from the rest of me, until the sensation crawled its way up my arms, across my neck, into my throat, onto my face, down into my chest, and nestled itself into my sacral. It radiated all that was in between. The light arrived inside my eyes and I could see the sun, bright, hopeful, a beacon begging for me to follow. Just follow. Don’t look for a path, don’t seek a destination. Trust that it will all unfold.
My husband is my mirror. My husband is my twin. We are the same AND we are different. We are one AND we are separate.
And… and… and… I hear you, but what does it mean? I know and I do not understand.
I reexplored this feeling I have been having about femininity and masculinity. How can I balance these things, I keep asking. HOW?
The answer arrived today. I have the power to balance. I can move fluidity between both extremes and find the balance. I have the power to balance not only within myself, but within the energies of others.
Example: I was in a bath house yesterday with my work team. My business partner, T, brought up that female bodies are more comfortable in heat and male bodies are more comfortable in cold. How could I then be in the cold plunge for 10 minutes while the rest of my team could hardly weather two or three? I was not showing off, not proving myself… I was attempting to balance the energy in the group. Extreme femininity required the presence of masculinity. But when I think of how much to swing, I realize it is never my first thought. It is never “show up in the extreme.” It is “show up in your balance–that is the power.” Be BOTH.
I read Whalefall. It didn’t captivate me, but I couldn’t put it down. The overall story is of a young man whose father, a scuba diver whom passed his knowledge in an extreme way to his son, commits suicide. After his father’s passing, the son dives to retrieve his father’s bones and while diving is swallowed by a sperm whale. Inside the body of the whale, he has a psychological journey into forgiveness, acceptance, and everything in between while he is facing death. In the end, I don’t actually know how he exits and survives, I somehow tuned out, but the message is still there: he embraced both things. His dad hurt him and his dad loved him. Two things can be true. AND. AND. AND.
My body told me I could breathe underwater. I questioned whether or not I wanted to die and I told myself, “Of course you don’t want to drown yourself. That is fear speaking. We know you can breathe underwater.”
I placed my nose and mouth underwater. I couldn’t do it. My body resisted. I snorted and coughed into my lungs.
“Not your lungs. Your sinus cavity. Breathe water in and out of it.”
WTF.
Okay, my nose and mouth underwater. Tiny sip of water into my nose. GAH. I can’t let it flow into my mouth… it’ll go into my lungs. I felt the panic tighten. But I did a little bit. Release. This is my shaman appearing in one of my employees: S. You are teaching her to keep the momentum and not focus on the end as it creates a sense of fear of failure. You are experiencing this now. She will be your teacher in this topic. Small steps are success, not just the finish line… and what if the finish line is forever changing? How will you ever catch it? You won’t. The present is all that matters.
Fuck. And my shaman appeared again in another one of my employees: H. You are teaching her to not control things, but to collaborate with things. She will be your present teacher for this. Do not allow control to overpower you, that is not your power. You cannot harness power, you cannot control anything. Find the balance and the power awakens.
Don’t forget about the whale. It’s a spirit card–go look it up. It’s missing from your totem (explained in Energy (Part 2)).
I will.
What does it tell you?
WHALE
Desire to drive deeper, profound peace, anicent wisdom.
The Whale represents profound emotional health and stability. Whale personalities are not afraid of emotional expression or traversing difficult terrain, as they have overcome many challenges in their lives. These experiences have enriched them, given them stability, strength, and a depth that is rare. Whale energy is usually linked to the feminine forces of compassion and communication. We can depend on whale personalities when all else seems lost, and trust them to be a beacon in our darkest hour.
When in balance: calm, steady, deeply compassionate
When out of balance: heavy, slips into old “story”
To bring to balance: regular self care
Yes, I hear myself speaking… I need to mediate when I need to mediate. I need to unlock that power within that allows me to stay balanced between all that is AND all that is not. When I can use that power, I can expand far beyond any limitation.
I can’t type as fast as my brain and journey took me. I don’t even know if this conveyed any of it, but the big takeaways that are resonating in my head are:
- G and you do not have conflict. He is simply your mirror. Any conflict there is inner conflict.
- You are powerful when you find balance. Find balance through AND not or.
I realized this isn’t an awakening to a new version of myself. This is a return to myself as a child that I somehow lost along the way. Welcome back, Rocky. I’ve missed you.
