A continuation of Energy (Part 1) through meditation.
I put my earbuds in, turned on the repetitive sound, and closed my eyes.
I transported myself to the before unsafe moments with J, my first boyfriend, and it was beautiful. Tender, innocent, unconditional, open. I felt loved for all of me. I felt love for all of him. I think in that expression, I thought I had found G’s soul, the soul that I had been roaming to connect with. I saw J in the wings of the theatre, backlight by spotlights reflecting off him as he worked the props. I watched him physically exhaust himself to move the raft, blowing me kisses underneath it long before we were an item. He gifted me roses every month leading up to our first anniversary. Wrote me poetry, sang me songs he had created on his guitar. I could feel our first kiss, trembling hands intertwined. I was beautiful in every way and he was beautiful in every way.
I asked the space beyond if I could enter his, if we could speak. I saw him in the home he shares with his now wife. His face was surprised and then angry. It lit up in flames and yelled at me to leave him alone. I waited patiently until I saw his face soften and he let the tears pour out. I held his face in my hands and drew energy from within to send into him. His large facial scar, running from eye to low cheek, the reminisce of his older brother’s ill-fated flip of a butterfly knife, radiated with fire before it was extinguished by the flood of tears he released. We relived the before with joy. I took responsibility for the unsafe space I created during our encounter and asked him to forgive me. I didn’t take responsibility for the decisions he made in his life after. While I spoke to him about the before, during, and after, I saw his energy transform to laughter and his face and energy faded away. He released me and I released him. We were free from the guilt that kept us anchored to that teenage moment. A moment where pressure and lust and confusion boiled over into a mess that seemed too dark in the moment to unwind, but with time, we healed it. Together. Hundreds of miles apart.
As I cried, eyes still closed, I felt a dog gently put a paw on my shoulder. I couldn’t tell if it was Nikita or Archer. The softness felt like Archer, who always knows when to approach with consideration and care, but the creature physically felt like Nikita, our typically bouncy and energized wiggly butt.
Two things can be true rang in my head. Multiple things can be true sang louder.
I knew it was Nikita, the unexpected comforter, but that is because both of them represent my shaman in current forms. Both of them are my spirit guides. Together our pack is our collective wisdom, growing stronger together and not without one another.
I meditated further as I remembered to ask for my totem animals. They appeared rapidly:
Wolf. Possibly a fox?
Owl. Definitely an owl.
“Rodent” of some kind… but big. What is this?
Butterly.
Aww, rear.
I opened my eyes and grabbed my animal spirit card deck, pulling the animals out quickly so that I could line them up and read them before my brain forgot what they were. In this rush, I got more clarity.
It was a wolf, not a fox. No fox.
I think the “rodent” is a raccoon… maybe an otter?
I reentered a brief moment of meditation. It was painful. My eyes crossed, my head ached, the visions were going in and out, unclear and hazy. It settled and came a glowing blue light dancing. I witnessed my third eye, vivid and knowing. It felt as if an outside force was gently pushing my neck backwards, opening my throat to the ceiling. I was so scared, my neck is tense, it hurts to move, it’s always sore when I wake up. I feared that stretching back that far, I would experience immense pain, possibly be unable to lift myself back into an erect position, locking my neck. Instead, I remembered my breath. It was tight in my throat, hard to reach and I couldn’t swallow.
Don’t worry, it’ll get easier, I heard my inner voice tell me.
We opened my throat back further and I could feel the expansion of the muscles and my vocal chords, throbbing with my heart beat. The vision of the wolf and owl returned, crisp and clear.
It’s not a butterfly, it’s a hummingbird, I heard whispered into the void.
Still a bear.
The images reached out and grew larger until they morphed into a raccoon. Got it. Raccoon, not otter.
I am open, releasing, allowing space, my heart doesn’t feel so lonely. I am connected from my chest to my head, not the crown, but the third eye. No, the crown was the blue light after the animal spirits faded. I’m connected from my chest to my crown. I can feel the energy moving and the beam of light bursts from my root to my crown. The resounding message hits clearly that specific animals don’t matter. They aren’t an order that I need to match one to one with my chakras. Let it be, let it go. The overarching messages for each animal, overlapped together, are what matters:
Nurture your pack, wolf.
Leverage your inner wisdom, owl.
Speak your truth and let your artistic expression flow freely, raccoon.
Work from a belief of energy abundance, humminbird.
It’s time to wake up and be you, bear.
Little bear, G calls me little bear.
This is my time to awaken.
