Conflict with my husband occurred and I could immediately feel it was an old pattern. I got sidetracked by the pattern and sat in my frustration about that for awhile before I received clarity on the core problem. Isn’t it always so? Grateful that the clarity came because my husband gave me space to sit in the dark with me.
As a backstory on the conflict, I received a very thoughtful gift from my husband. A little set of trout cards that contained hand drawn illustrations of dozen of different trout species with details on the back that included their scientific name, origin locations, and details about the history of their species. We’re both fly fisherman and had a calendar by the same illustrator, but that only contained a dozen species. This was a goldmine and it was wonderful to open and look through.
Later, as we were getting into bed, I had a realization that I wanted to share with him about my love language. I really enjoyed the gift and thought it was beautiful and did not want my next statement to negate my appreciation, but I realized that the thing he did that resonated even MORE than the gift itself was what the gift represented: he had thought about me while we were apart. When I thought about THAT, separate from the gift, I was radiating. I wanted him to know that he didn’t need to buy me a gift and it may actually be my preference to receive a text when he misses me or something to that degree. It wasn’t hard for me to express this, the words came out easily after the thought arose, but it still felt like a vulnerable situation for me to share that. Not entirely sure why, but I knew it was vulnerability because after I shared that discovery, he made a harmless joke and I responded with the feeling of being attacked and felt annoyed that my “pleasant” conclusion was met with humor.
Side Note: I say harmless because I believe he had no bad intent and it was truly NOT the issue at play, so no need to dive into whether or not jokes represent subconscious truths or have an unhealthy layer we need to unpack.
This spark of annoyance in me ignited our old pattern and we danced around that for awhile. I won’t go into detail because it’s not the point either. What IS the point is that after some time, we were sitting in bed in the dark with only a little moonlight through the window. I was processing while he sat in silence next to me, preserving space for me.
I could feel the uprise of tears and I knew that I had mislabeled annoyance. I had not felt annoyed as I initially thought. I had felt sadness and fear. I was unknowingly sharing a vulnerable thought, ie. “I feel loved when we’re apart and you think of me” and when he made a joke, I felt sadness because I really want to be loved in ways that resonate with me and a joke felt like he hadn’t heard the language I hoped he would use in the future. This is coupled with a fear I shared with him a few days ago that a deep fear I carry is that my desire for time spent with him far exceeds the desire of time he wants to spend with me and I am scared that at some point he’ll reach a max and I’ll be alone. Expressions of love languages that include quality time and words help to keep that fear small and irregular. My mislabeling of sadness and fear as annoyance put me onto a path that I could not understand because I was so far away from the source. I exacerbated our old pattern because I did not properly name my feeling initially after the joke.
After this huge discovery, I cried and could see in my mind’s eye the shadow of a protector looming in the corner telling me not to cry. I realized that this protector was the one who decided I felt annoyance as a way to shield me from sadness and fear.
Which part of me was feeling sadness and fear?
It was late and I was tired. I needed a break, so I expressed the above to my husband, whom listened diligently and expressed pride in my ability to process. We watched a little TV and fell asleep.
I slept hard and woke up refreshed, completely forgetting about these two parts. Per my new routine, it was time to meditate and I did. That’s when my two parts showed themselves and I am again in awe that meditation continues to provide the clarity I need at the exact times I need it.
Here is the result of my meditation continued in Hello, Little Protector (Part 2).
